So this week, I had an echocardiogram to provide a base line to make sure the chemo isn’t affecting my heart function. We are praying that God will protect my heart from any possible side effects. Afterwards, we met with my oncologist to review the MRI of my hip, which had a hot spot on a PET scan but my oncologist wasn’t too concerned. As it turns out, there was a hot spot on the MRI too that the radiologists believe is cancer that has metastasized. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) it cannot be biopsied without me undergoing a major surgery because it’s on the inside of the hip. They have labeled me as stage 4 because of this.
I won’t lie, the metastasis and “stage 4” label has shaken me. My firm belief that God will heal me based on the way he’s been speaking to me the past month has wavered. I know in my heart and mind that God CAN heal any stage of cancer and disease. I know of MANY others who were healed after being given just months to live, who were in FAR worse shape than I am. However I know others who weren’t healed and I honestly have been questioning not whether God CAN heal me but IF he will. That is a tough pill to swallow.
As I headed to the hospital to receive an injection for a bone scan, I prayed and cried and admitted to God that I know he CAN heal me, I’m scared he will choose not to. I’m not scared of death; I know my eternity will be spent in His presence. I just don’t want to leave others behind to grieve. I want to be a mother to my children, a wife to my husband, a daughter, sister, and friend. I don’t WANT to be finished on this earth yet. I want to be a light and bear good fruit for many, MANY years to come.
While I’m being honest, I feel like the past 30 years I’ve been in a holding pattern in my relationship with God. I know him, Jesus is my savior, but I’ve not really GROWN. I go through the motions but have spiritually been very slow growing. Actually, a few months before my diagnosis, I distictly remember asking God for forgiveness for my lack of growth and asked him to use me in a big way……be careful what you wish for 😉 I feel so renewed and so ALIVE in my relationship with God, in my growth. I don’t want that to stop! I want Him to use me for 30 more years!
At the end of my prayer, pouring my heart out and being totally honest, I asked God for forgiveness for my worry, my unbelief, my doubt. All of that is from Satan and he is just stealing my joy. I asked God to protect my heart and my mind with his peace (I say that prayer multiple times a day). As SOON as I said “amen,” this song came on the radio. I hadn’t heard it before this morning (or maybe I just never stopped to listen).
Some of you know that every time I’ve asked God for peace and reassurance, he’s used songs on the radio to give me peace…”Overcomer” By Mandisa, “It’s Not Over Yet” by King & Country, and more. Today, it was “Move” by TobyMac
Stagnant water is a death trap, it becomes filled with bacteria/parasites, etc. MOVING water is the stuff of life! I was stagnant and God is helping me to move and become fruitful in a way I never could have imagined!
God speaks to me through music and through others lately. I need to stop allowing satan to steal my joy with worry and doubt and stand firm with my head held high in God’s truths!!!