Highs and Lows

I realize I’ve been silent on Facebook since my last post and I have received many “how are you doing” questions 🙂 I am so very happy to report that this round of chemo was no worse than the first. In fact, the fatigue was less severe this time around!

I have been meaning to post about my nutrition and supplements as I have received many, many questions about what I’m doing and I want to post on God’s goodness but I’ll be honest, this past two weeks have been busy. So much for that “be still” thing that I thought I was going to work on. This past week though, I did force myself to take it easy and not run around like a crazy person, to leave a few chores for the following day, and to take naps! I drew myself a nice hot bath one evening after a day I wasn’t feeling too great (my own fault for eating dairy) and today I enjoyed an amazing massage. I keep needing to remind myself that even though I feel almost normal, my body is going through A LOT and I need to be gentle on myself.

I’ll be honest, I had a rough day this week. I went to a breast cancer support group and while it was very uplifting and overall beneficial, the devil and my mind used it to throw those “what if’s” back at me again. What if the chemo doesn’t work? What if it does but the cancer comes back? What if the radiation causes secondary tumors? What if….what if? Ugh….I cried. I UGLY cried. You know the kind? The runny, snotty nose, sobbing, ugly cry. Thank goodness for my sweet husband who wrapped his arms around me and let my tears fall all over his fancy dress shirt (he was doing mock interviews that day, preparing to get out of the Navy). Oh but it felt so good to cry, to voice my fears and release those emotions.  And believe me I had a few good chats with God too!

While I’m being honest, I was so busy the past two weeks that I really wasn’t doing my devotions apart from reading a daily Bible verse. I’d felt like I was on such a high and filled with God’s peace and His joy for quite a while that I forgot to fill myself back up daily with the Holy Spirit….so down I crashed. As it would so happen, my verse of the day that morning was Matthew 26:41 “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” MY spirit was and is willing to be filled with the Spirit and to surrender my life for God’s glory but MY flesh is still weak. I cannot survive on a temporary high and expect to be able to resist my flesh’s propensity to worry and be anxious. Having a type-a personality doesn’t help matters either.

Then TODAY’S verse of the day is Matthew 21:21, “And Jesus answered and said to them, “Truly I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and cast into the sea,’ it will happen.” Jesus and his disciples were traveling and Jesus became hungry. He came to a fig tree and seeing that it had no fruit on it, he said to the tree, “No longer shall there ever be any fruit from you” and the fig tree withered all at once. The disciples were amazed and asked how the fig tree could have withered like that when Jesus gave the response in verse 21. Verse 22 says, “And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.” I’m no theologian but I felt God saying, once again, TRUST me to move the “mountain” of cancer, to make it wither away with just a word from my mouth…have FAITH. Not faith in the chemotherapy, not faith in my supplements and not to live in fear that something I do will make the chemo less effective. Just have faith that God will move this mountain.

On the flip side of that story, the fig tree was not bearing fruit so Jesus caused it to wither. There are other instance in the Bible where Christians are compared to a plant, being pruned, bearing good fruit, or sometimes being removed when there is no good fruit. Oh how I want to bear good fruit, not to save my own skin but to further God’s kingdom. I would love to dance on streets of gold with one more person because God used this cancer journey in some way. I want my life to count for eternity because our lives here are but the blink of an eye in comparison.

Today I was taken back to a Facebook post from the day I received my stage IV diagnosis and God just again filled me with his peace:

Screen Shot 2016-02-27 at 9.05.12 PM

Oh how quickly I forget his assurances and promises that he has spoken to me over and over the past two months! How I hope God continues to mold me, to change me, to strengthen me spiritually!

Oh look at the time, I should get some beauty sleep and give my body the rest it needs. Until next time…Aloha!


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