Hurry up and Wait

It has been a while since I last posted. I am more than two months out from my mastectomy and the ban on lifting anything over 5lbs is gone! How sweet it was to be able to lift/carry/cuddle our “baby.” Yeah, yeah she’s 16mo. but she’s still my baby! My range of motion is almost back to normal and my cording is nearly gone. I still have to be careful of what I do so that I don’t cause swelling in my arms and will always have to be mindful of that for the rest of my life. In August I flew to California (where I was raised) to be in my best friends’ wedding. I flew alone, leaving hubby with the kiddos for a few days. It was a wonderful trip, spending time with family and friends, and being able to really rest for a few days. Oh yes, and my hair is grown back very nicely!!!

Where am I now? Well, I have been waiting for over a month for my Dr. to submit and insurance to approve a blood biopsy. I’ll post more on that later but since they cannot biopsy the suspected metastasis in my femur, this simple blood biopsy would give us a very good idea of if there is still cancer present in my body and possibly even if it has mutated. Would you please pray that this biopsy will be approved soon?

My next surgery, to replace these tissue expanders with implants, is scheduled for September 28th….right around the corner! My wonderful mother-in-love (who just finished all her treatments for her breast cancer) will be flying out to help us with the kiddos during and 2 weeks after surgery. Shortly after that, my husband will go on terminal leave and we will probably pack out our home the end of Oct./beginning of Nov. and will hopefully fly back stateside the 2nd week of November. My husband is transferring from Active duty Navy to a Navy reservist and we are moving back to Wa state. We will likely be in CA for the month of Nov. and hope to be able to visit family on the East Coast in Dec. if hubby doesn’t have a job that requires starting immediately after he’s officially done with active duty.

There are SO MANY unknowns. We don’t know where he will be working (he’s applying to jobs left and right), we don’t know where we will live exactly, we don’t know if this cancer journey is still continuing or not, we don’t know where I’ll receive my antibody treatments yet or what oncologist I will be seeing in WA. So much of this depends on when and where hubby gets a job. If you know me or have read most of my blogs, you know I am an PLANNER. I want all my ducks in a row with plans b, c, and d in place! And yet….I have peace. I am content. Yes there are SO many details that are not planned out but I have total peace that it will come together at the right time. I am learning to be content, whatever my circumstances. I am content and have peace and joy not knowing if my body is still trying to heal cancerous growths, not knowing where we will live, where our paychecks will come from in Dec., not knowing where I will receive treatment.

You see, God has used this cancer journey to change me, to change my heart and my mind. He has guarded it with his peace and I truly find joy and contentment in the here and now. I am not guaranteed tomorrow, let alone my next breath (and neither are you), so I am learning to truly live in the present and let tomorrow worry about itself.

A devotional I read today really resonated with how I have been feeling. The main verse read: The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore. Psalm 121:7-8 I actually have this verse on a wooden painting near our front door. I’ve passed it by multiple times a day for the 9+ years we have been married and today it cut to my soul.

Life is precious and it is fleeting. Life here on earth is easily and sometimes suddenly snuffed out or turned upside down. In those times, knowing the Lord makes all the difference in the world. Knowing that he is keeping me and walking beside me through chemo, surgery, and now this weird uncertain limbo spot, gives me peace and joy. I don’t have to worry about the what if’s or the unknowns. ‘If you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Do not be afraid of sudden terror or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught’ (Proverbs 3:24-26). Let me tell you, the devil loves to play mind games and cause distress while we sleep. I have felt it. I have gone to bed at peace and content and woken with such a feeling of despair and fear that it was almost crippling…and not from any nightmare mind you. When I gave my fears, doubts, disbelief, and worry over to God (and I’ll admit I often have to do this every so often), I sleep blissfully. I wake up rested and able to start my day with joy in my heart.

God never promised bad things won’t happen to us, he promised to use those bad things for good and to walk alongside us every step of the way. As we “hurry up and wait,” as us military families love to joke, I sit and wait in peace, with joy. I covet your prayers, that our insurance will approve the blood biopsy and that the right job and right house/property will come available at the right time. Selfishly, I hope that the blood biopsy shows I don’t have metastasis but I have peace and know that even if it doesn’t, God simply isn’t finished using this cancer journey for good.

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